When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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