You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
