I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
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the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
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I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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