So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
