If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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