He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
