She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
