Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
someone owes me an orgasm
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
