Can Purell be used as lube?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
