Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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