so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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