I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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