but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
