Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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