Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
