upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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