Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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