Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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