Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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