I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
