when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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