Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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