the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
meet me or not, i'm out of control
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
