My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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