I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
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If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
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On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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