I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
