if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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