the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
