She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
