Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
