Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
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woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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