I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
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