my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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