My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
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I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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