I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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