I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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