Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
