So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
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i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
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The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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