From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
