On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
