**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
