I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
