so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
