yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
