Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
pray to the hookup gods
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
