but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
