So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
