yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize