Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
