She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
