we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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