someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
