Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
