This is not my ceiling
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
