his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
